Hello lj friends........

I'm still here alive and kicking, busy as usual. Taking photos, enjoying holiday break and now we just got a New Home! So I've been very busy preparing for the big move, school is about to start back again, planning trips with family, all sorts of stuff. But I promise to stay more on lj. And to post more pictures.

I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays and brung in the New Year with great family and friends.

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Wow I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've posted!! Well....

-school still keeps me busy as hell but lately I haven't done anything. It's getting harder and harder to do homework. I think I am burnt out. I don't ever want to do anything. But sleep all day. 

-Though I have some good news I'm back walking and exercising and losing some weight, bad news is it's no happening fast enough. I'm trying not to hate my appearance but I noticed it's getting harder and harder. Been having crazy thoughts too. Like what if I skip a day of eating in a week? Will that speed things up? I go to college surrounded by skinny girls. And I just hate it. 

-Hubby and I are doing ok I guess. I'm starting to hold stuff against him bad. I try to be light about it. And I'm reading a book saying just pray. Don't nag, complain, ignore or yell, just pray. Well when your the only one in the house who does the cleaning and cooking it is soooooooo hard. I'm frustrated with him with so many things I'm starting to have more crazy thoughts. Like why keep trying at this? Would I be happy some where else? Should I just be alone? Does God see something so wrong in me that we don't deserve a house or another baby? Why did I stay? The more I don't say anything, the more anger I feel build up. The more I feel I want to leave.

I'm so tired all the time. I don't mean to get so angry but some things are getting old. I think I'm worn out with many things, thats why i'm having all these unhealthy thoughts. And I know they are. I pray but every next day seems harder to be motivated.
I have been so nice and helping other people and trying to better my faith and in other areas in my life, I figured something out. The best way for the devil to attack me........is to get me to attack myself. 

Want this phase to past. Hope all my lj friends are doing better.

Trying to hang in there....

Well haven't been depressed. Just exhausted. I'm busy with poetry, photography, french and mcj class. Cooking, cleaning, watching what I eat and photo side job. Husband has been keeping financial problems away from me. Not good. So no house for Christmas or a lil puppy.

It's good to be busy and content for a while. But the thing is.....I've been TOO busy. Haven't had time for myself, to rest. 

I knew it was becoming a problem because I started having panic attacks. I would come home from a wonderful evening and then I think about everything that needs to be done and I freak out.

Trying to take it easy. Trying to hang in there. Can't wait for this semester to end.

Doing real good..........

Sorry I have been M.I.A. As usual I have been sooooooooo busy. School is insane I'm always doing something. And my photography job has been booming. I'm just now getting a chance to sit down and relax.

BUT I have been feeling good. Lots of energy, losing weight, eating healthy, helping my daughter, being sweet to my husband........I am really on the up and up and have been here for a while. Haven't had a depressing moment in a while. And thats good.

I've been working in all areas in my life, school, motherhood, friendship, family, Christianity, eating, being a wife and searching for fulfillment. I'm not perfect, a lot of times it looks like I never will accomplish or reach a goal. But I lean on God and the flow of life.

I tell myself all this positive hard work will pay off, in a positive way. And I can't wait.

Here are some pics I've tooken recently:

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    happy happy

(no subject)

So today is a slow raining day. Very calm and quiet. I am bout to get up and bake some fish. *smiles*

I'm really ready for this week. SUPER excited. Tomorrow I have an appt. with my therapist. Go see my nutritionist, pick up some school money, pay off one of our cars (thank God), me/hubby call to go see a 4 bedroom house and the class.

Shop all week, go the movies to see the new Kevin Hart movie with a bunch of friends, hubby and I go the New Orleans to celebrate our Anniversary (it will be 3 years tomorrow) for the weekend, some back and plan a party for next Sat.

I feel music is soothing to the soul when a person is down. And I also realize that songs that have you scream and sing the loudest note are stress relievers. So I decided to plan a party at my house, a Rock Star Karaoke Party! I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo excited. I think this is just what I need. A good and fun way to relieve stress. My home girl has been crying for somewhere to go to do karaoke.

Her wish will come true. I plan to buy costumes, a mic, a curtain for the stage, a colorful strobe light...etc This gives me something to look forward to. And it keeps a smile on my face until it happens.

  • Current Mood
    happy happy

(no subject)

So as the days are going I'm doing ok. Busy with school. Busy planning to move into a house. Just renting. I love my town home but it's time to go.

Ever been somewhere for so long, you just know it's time for a change. Lord knows we need space!! We have so much furniture.

So much has happened in this town house. My first place after Katrina, Ny growing up in it, holidays, small parties, my mother stayed here, I got sick then got well in this house, meeting new people at this house, good times, bad times, confused times, special times...I can go on and on.

I'm ready for a change.

A nice drizzle of rain is outside...sounds comforting. Think I'll take a nap.

(no subject)

Well I'm here, still around.

Last week I agreed to be committed. And I got out yesterday. I went to a few group meetings and talked with the doc one on one. He was a strict man but I could tell he liked me. He gave me some real nice books to read. They had Bible scriptures and everything. He asked if I was Christian, then he told me to go read them.

I'm not perfect but I am a lot better than last week. I am still going over stuff I read in the books and plan to continue outpatient therapy. I am nervous to be out. Still trying to find my way of staying stable but still trying.

The doc was awesome. But he told me a lot about myself. I really have to STOP THINKING NEGATIVE. I swear I beat myself up with every neg thought in the world.

I'm in school taking French, Poetry, Mass Communication and Photography. I am excited about photo, all of of them really in a way I think they are all therapeutic.

I am going to work really hard in staying stable. I talk to my husband and came really clean why I'm unhappy. I told him I am willing to take so much therapy to get better, so I can be a better me, a better mother and wife. I want to be. I just have tackle my thoughts and emotions a lot harder.

(no subject)

Ever been somewhere....heard a song come on......never heard it before......but was sung exactly how you felt?

Today was an ok day. Friends have been talking to me and making me feel better. I feel sick. Emotionally sick.

I hate to be up and down person. I'm trying to keep going. I have a beautiful daughter. She gives me hugs when ever I ask for them. They make me feel a little better.

Need to get back praying. Get back in church. Need to do alot of stuff. I tried to not break down until I saw my therapist again. I'm sorry lj friends I didn't make it. BUT I DO PLAN TO MARCH MY BUTT UP IN THERAPY. Weather I feel I ant to or not.

I need help. I'm going to make myself get it cause I know I need it. Alot of people depend on me and surprisingly I actually uplift other people. They told me.

I hate being emotional and sensitive and struggle with depression. But I got to find a way to deal with it. The worse thing about letting go is starting over.

Friends came over and played a movie game. We laughed alot. Alot.

Atleast today was a okay day.
  • Current Mood
    okay okay

Linkin Park- Waiting for the end.....

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

[Chester(till end):]
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got